The term “settling” makes most singles cringe. It sounds depressing, disappointing, and defeatist. Settling is really realizing that our expectations of a partner can change.
However, by their mid-30s, many single people are ready for a permanent relationship. They have traveled, partied, had satisfying sexual experiences, and are professionally fulfilled and ready for the next chapter to begin. The longing to find “their person” grows stronger, and the anxiety that it will never happen emerges. The desire for marriage, children, and having a shared life becomes a priority. Asking questions like “What am I doing wrong? Why didn’t it work out with that person I wanted? Are there any quality people left? Should I give up and keep enjoying life as a single person? Am I too picky? Become dominant thoughts.
The story often told about “settling” is negative. Single people often assume there will be no attraction, that it will be boring, that they will not be able to connect, and that they will always long for “their person” if they settle. Settling doesn’t have to feel like that. When someone is ready for commitment and ready to leave being single behind, they can build healthy connections and attachments with adjusted expectations. In other words, the checklist of qualities they believe their person must have evolves and expands. When we understand ourselves more deeply, we learn what we do and don’t need to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship. We also learn that over-focusing on finding “fireworks” chemistry can limit the possibility that different levels of chemistry are enough to commit to someone happily. In other words, settling for something different than what you expected can lead to a situation that can make you happy and help your life move forward. It is not only the person we settle for and accept, but also the situation and environment that come with the union.
However, if one is still longing for “the great love of their life that didn’t work out” or has an immature, over-romanticized idea of what love is supposed to feel like, they will struggle to find and commit to a partner.
Self-examination is essential preparation for settling down. It is important to re- examine what we believe we know about ourselves. By our 30s, certain traits and preferences may be fixed. That is reality. However, with an open-minded approach to self-examination, we may find fluidity that widens the net we use in search of a partner. As we evolve, heal from our past, and learn the difference between our wants and needs, new pathways to attraction and connection can develop.
Surprisingly, a close-knit social friend group (despite its positives) can deter healthy, happy settling. Oftentimes, members of the same-sex social group can influence each other regarding attitudes about the opposite sex or approaches to dating and marriage. These influences can be biased or negative and can interfere with or confuse one’s own process. Additionally, a cohesive friend group can fulfill the need for emotional intimacy and shared social experiences, which can limit motivation to spend time expanding opportunities to date.
SETTLING DOES NOT MEAN GIVING UP ON HAPPINESS. IT DOES NOT MEAN CHOOSING TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS FAR FROM HAVING SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY, PREFER, AND WANT IN A PERSON. WHAT IT DOES MEAN IS TO BE OPEN- MINDED, TO SET ASIDE THE CHECKLIST, TO NOT MAKE QUICK JUDGMENTS, AND TO COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS, WANTS, AND NEEDS OPENLY DURING THE PROCESS OF DATING.
Rebecca Sperber, MS, LMFT
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