Some apologies promote healing and forgiveness. Other apologies are self-serving, insincere, empty, and promote anger, resentment, and further hurt.
Empty apologies that don’t name the wrongs committed do not promote healing and forgiveness. “I’m sorry you feel bad about what I did,” ” I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” are weak attempts at taking ownership over a wrong done to another person. For an apology to feel sincere, genuine emotion and specificity of the hurtful behavior must be communicated. For example, if your apology for having an affair is, “I’m sorry it happened, but please try to get over it,” you have said nothing to help the other person emotionally heal. What’s missing from this apology is 1) taking responsibility for and naming the hurtful behavior, 2) showing empathy, and 3) committing not to repeat hurtful behaviors.
Why People Offer Weak, Unhelpful Apologies
* They feel obligated but are not sincerely remorseful
* They don’t believe their actions were wrong enough to warrant an apology.
* They are arrogant or defensive
* They are angry at being confronted.
* They don’t understand what the person they hurt needs
* They don’t know how to do it
Admitting our wrongdoings and being able to apologize for them is a sign of self-esteem. A person with self-esteem knows they are not perfect. They know they are not defined by one mistake or transgression. Apologizing builds and strengthens self-worth. However, even the most perfectly worded apology won’t bring healing and forgiveness if the lying or hurtful behavior continues. When you love and care about someone, offering an apology is not a chore to be avoided; it’s a gift you want to give.
A healthy apology that heals the wounds:
“I’m sorry I lied to you about our money; that was wrong. You deserved my honesty. I am sorry my action caused damage to you. I am sorry for doing that and hurting you; I commit to be open and honest from now on”.
Conversely, if you receive an apology that blames you, makes excuses, lacks specific admission of wrongs, lacks empathy for your feelings, minimizes your feelings, and frames their behavior as ” right or normal,” you can reject the apology. It is worth telling the apologizer why you don’t accept the apology and what you need to hear to forgive. Be prepared that nothing you say may change a disappointing outcome; however, it might, and it’s worth the try.
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