Politeness is not a replacement for integrity. Would you excuse a robber for stealing your purse because he thanked you while stealing it? Passive-aggressive people say please and thank you while mistreating you.
Recognizing when someone pairs polite manners with selfish or subtle aggressive behavior is essential for one’s emotional and physical self-protection in relationships. Both men and women can be polite manipulators, however, due to the imbalance of power that exists in many relationships, more men than women tend to exhibit these traits. Smiling, being complimentary, soft-spoken, or courteous are common manipulative behaviors by people who take intentional action toward others without caring about the resulting harm they will cause. When this dynamic occurs between romantic partners, family, or friends, it is emotionally devastating. Someone does not have to be a full-blown sociopath to engage in passive-aggressive manipulative strategies.
People who lack empathy often justify their selfish, dismissive, or harmful behaviors. Politeness or gestures of helpfulness are manipulative strategies to get what they want out of situations. Feelings of being unheard, disregarded, violated, or threatened are common emotions experienced when involved with the “polite manipulator.” Feeling angry and suspicious are also common emotional reactions to the polite, selfish manipulator.
Situations Where The Polite Manipulator Operates
In marriages where they commit financial breaches
In relationships, when they are lying
In confrontations for bad behavior
In situations where they seek control for their benefit
In situations where they are fearful or ashamed
Psychological Traits Of The Polite Manipulator
Narcissism
Low self-esteem
Shame
Arrested emotional development
Empathy deficit
Ego defensive
Immaturity
Compulsive lying
Feelings of entitlement
Superiority complex
Insufficient problem-solving skills ( cognitive limits)
Early childhood abuse or neglect
Long-term psychotherapy is recommended for the polite manipulator. Such a person is especially harmful to their spouses and children. Spouses can smile and exchange compliments and gifts while cheating or committing financial fraud. Parents can make selfish decisions that damage the emotional, physical, or financial futures of their minor or disabled children.
Don’t let “please and thank you” block your ability to recognize the warning signs of being in a relationship with someone who should not be trusted. Patterns of broken promises, secrets, or blatant lies are signs of character flaws or other serious psychological problems. Denial that someone you trusted is duping or abusing you can lead to catastrophic results.
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