Forgiving is a complicated process. For some, it’s a necessary step to achieve emotional healing. For others, attempting forgiveness is emotionally damaging. Whatever the degree of the abuse, neglect, or betrayal one has suffered, whether to forgive or not is a personal decision.
Forgiving what has happened to you is not saying “I forgive you” to the perpetrator. Forgiving means letting go of the emotional pain and resentments that have become a toxic obsession robbing you of the ability to experience happiness. A more accurate explanation of what forgiving means is ” an acceptance of what happened and stopping the perpetrator having any influence or control over your emotional or physical life. However, forgiveness is not the only way to resolve trauma, betrayal or hurt.
Many victims of crimes, even those who have lost a child in a school shooting, often feel pressured to forgive. In those situations it is understandable why forgiving the murderer of your child feels wrong, impossible and like a betrayal to the memory of that child. Religious doctrine is often used as a reason to offer forgiveness even in the most heinous situations. Another argument in favor of forgiveness is that “people make mistakes.” Repentenance and amends is seen by some as a reason a perpetrator should be forgiven. However, there are some tragedies and traumas that make forgiving impossible. Asserting that offering forgiveness is the only way to resolve anger and hurt is wrong. Remembering experiences of abuse, traumatic losses, and relationship betrayal will cause anger and hurt to re-surface throughout ones life even if you offer forgiveness. The human experience is a feeling experience and forgiving someone does not guarantee those painful feelings will disappear. The passing of time, living a purposeful life, and maintaining meaningful relationships helps reduce residual, lingering anger and the effects of trauma. Releasing repressed feelings is a part of that process.
When there is something to gain from forgiving, the process is not as aversive. People in romantic relationships are often motivated to forgive. If you still love someone and don’t want to lose a relationship then forgiving is worth the effort. Rebuilding trust is difficult, takes time and sometimes professional help is needed. However, even in a love relationship forgiveness is not always achievable or considered appropriate. Assessing the negative impact of not forgiving someone and the positive possibilities that could result from forgiving is a question worth figuring out.
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