How Poor Fathering Impacts Sons’ Masculinity and Self-Esteem

Weak, uninvolved, or abusive fathering has a profoundly negative affect on a son’s perception of his masculinity, relationship to women, career identity, and self-esteem. Inadequate, insecure fathers compete with their sons instead of helping them. Inadequate fathers engage in conversations that judge, criticize, and discourage their sons. Narcissistic fathers are demanding and inflict rigid expectations. A selfish, distracted, peripheral, or lazy father will eventually be rejected by his son.

Positive fathering is as important to the healthy development of a child as is positive mothering. Historically, the importance of fathering has been minimized. How sons function in childhood and adulthood is profoundly affected by the quality of the relationship with their father. Substandard fathering damages a son’s self-esteem. The archetype of a positive father in relation to his son as described by Swiss Psychiatrist Carl Jung contains the following elements;

• The father supports a healthy separation from the mother by creating a strong father/son bond
• Once a boy forms a healthy bond with the father, he begins to develop a connection with his own masculinity and a positive male identity
• The connected, involved father creates the experience of being loved and valued by a man.
• The father’s main business is outside the family and this teaches the son to be curious and excited about the broader world and his place in it,
• The father is seen as the protector, the one expected to provide food and shelter.
• The father takes the time to teach and instruct his son.
• The father is the symbol of order and justice in the family.
• The father embodies the cultural values and wisdom of the family traditions and expresses them verbally and physically.

Fathers who succeed in these roles help their sons flourish. Fathers who fail in these areas make the transition from boyhood to manhood more difficult. Fathers who fail are often self-centered, immature, or psychologically troubled. When the archetypal experiences occur, a boy leaves childhood with a positive sense of himself as a strong, capable man. He also embarks on his life’s path without internalized anger towards his father. Without irritation, a man can access a positive capacity for intimacy, self-esteem, and the ability to trust himself and others. If a father successfully creates a stable home, modeling a loving, respectful relationship with the mother, and a successful, fulfilling career, a son becomes confident and optimistic about achieving those same milestones. If a son observes his mother trying to make up for his father’s failings, he loses respect for the father. Author and therapist John Bradshaw, known for his “inner child and original pain work,” wrote about the following detrimental styles of fathering;

• The weak father ( the “shadow,” bare minimum father) avoids self-examination, is reactive, not proactive, and is a follower, not a leader. He is passive in his approach to parenting, and his presence in relationships is superficial and disconnected. These traits can be the result of dysfunctional modeling from his father, negative personality traits, low self-esteem, or depression. The weak father is lazy or incompetent. He doesn’t lead or instruct his son, so sons are left to look to the mother for the guidance and support they need. This father type makes promises and doesn’t keep them. He refuses to commit and sends confusing and dismissive messages like the “definite maybe” regarding keeping promises. When this father type blames the mother for his mistakes or failures, he further emasculates himself in the eyes of his son.
• The weak father potentially creates feelings of failure in his son because the son identifies with the failure persona of his father. It is an instinct for a son to look up to his father. However, when a son sees his father as passive and unmotivated to inspire himself and the family, he feels shame and anger. These negative emotions cause distance in the relationship and psychological conflict. A weak father doesn’t take the initiative to help find solutions for his son’s challenges. Instead, he pretends not to know a problem exists or acts too busy to get involved. He indulges in self-serving behaviors that are easy and preferable. This type of father will blame, judge or ignore his son, which communicates a lack of love or pride. For the son, conversations with the weak father are emotionally unsatisfying, unhelpful, hurtful, and frustrating.
• The wounding, abusive father damages a boy’s self-esteem, inspires anger, increases the incidence of addiction, and derails the achievement of developmental milestones. This style of fathering is both emotionally and physically abusive or neglectful. This father-type is authoritarian, tyrannical and frightening. He is critical, demanding and distant. A son feels shamed by the father’s abuse and rejection. Out of fear, the son embraces the values of the father in his hunger for love and acceptance. This father type seeks to control his son by keeping him fearful and weakened. The son becomes passive with the father and seeks to find people he can control who are weaker than him. This aggressive, rigid treatment of the son can cause arrested development, difficulty establishing connections with women and create challenges with commitment.
• The abandoning father creates a deep sense of insecurity and unworthiness his son. The deficit of father bonding leaves a son either idealizing the failing father, who he hopes will come to care for him someday, or creates a degraded image of the father who makes him question his manhood. Abandonment can be physical, emotional, or a combination of both. The father who abandons may be an alcoholic, a narcissist, a workaholic, immature, or an adulterer. If attention from the father is deficient, it sends the message, ” you don’t matter; you aren’t important or special.” In desperation to lessen the pain of abandonment from his father, a son will blame himself. Thoughts such as, “I should have been better at sports, or more intelligent than dad would have wanted to spend time with me,” are attempts by the son to find a way to lessen the anger he feels for his father and shame he feels about himself. Self-shaming damages self-esteem and inhibits a man’s ability to participate in healthy intimacy, feel self-confident, and take the necessary risks that lead to success

Ideally, if a father apologizes and takes responsibility for his mistakes, sons can recover from the results of negative fathering. Confronting their father and releasing their anger and pain can help. Apologies from the father validate a son’s experience of the father’s shortcomings. Finding a substitute father figure like a coach, teacher, uncle, or male friend can compensate for poor fathering from the biological dad. Getting into therapy can help resolve resentments and promote the process of emotional maturing and healing. A son can overcome the father/son wound once he can say, “you are now the man in charge of your life. What you think and feel about yourself is what matters most. I won’t let you down”.

How a son feels towards his father reveals whether a man has functioned effectively and lovingly as a father.