Having an autistic child breaks up a high percentage of marriages. Several styles of a father’s reaction to the situation are often a major cause. Fathers are equally capable of proficient parenting and advocacy; however, men disproportionately decide not to assume the lead role. There are four common roles that fathers assume that strain or destroy the marriage.
Raising an autistic child can place extreme stress on a marriage. Children on the autism spectrum can exhibit challenging behaviors, disruption in functional communication, hampered social interactions, and cognitive limitations. Children on the lower end of the spectrum cannot advocate for themselves and require 24/7 care to protect their safety and dignity and to improve their overall life experience. These kids need proficient parents and assertive advocates to secure services and pursue whatever is needed for them to find their capacities. Statistically, fathers are more likely to struggle with accepting the diagnosis of autism for their child. This results in mothers, not fathers, taking the lead role in providing effective medical, legal, social, and educational advocacy.
Fathers love their autistic children the same as mothers. However, raising, protecting, and advocating for an autistic child takes more than just loving them. Love is a feeling and is shown in either passive or assertive ways. Statistically, more mothers take the lead in the advocacy process and the imbalance of the parental roles can lead moms to burn out and resent the father.
The four problematic parental styles that fathers assume are:
- The “nanny/driver” father
- The “obstructionist/ oppositional/ ” father
- The “lazy” father
- The “distracted” father
The ” nanny/ driver” father helps with chores, self-care support and transportation. They will make a meal, do the dishes, go to the market, and participate in toileting and dressing tasks. These contributions are helpful, however because of the complexities of autism, they are the easiest to perform. This role lacks the challenge of becoming educated about the medical complexities of autism, about how to educate, whether to medicate, how to socialize, how to advocate for services and understand the role that disability law plays in the child’s life. Mother’s are frequently left with the heavy lifting in these areas of responsibility and suffer an increase in stress, overwhelm, and resentments.
The “obstructionist/oppositional” father sabotages the efforts of the mother. These fathers are often in denial that their child is autistic and view the mother as hysterical and over- protective. He disagrees with her decisions and judgment, yet offers no alternatives to what needs to be done for their child’s education, medical needs, and behavioral management. These dads often have a less training in managing and understanding autism compared to their wives. Their stubborn, controlling stance is often triggered by fear, shame, or competitiveness. An oppositional father will insist on doing things ” his way” with the child even if clinicians have advised otherwise. This behavior becomes more about ego than productive intervention for the child.
The “lazy” father is compliant, easy-going and as a result escapes much of the stress involved in dealing with the challenging behaviors that many autistic children exhibit. They will agree to take on a task, and then not do it properly or fail to follow through to its completion. This inadequate approach to helping causes moms to both resent the father and fear negative outcomes for their child.
The “distracted” father will hide behind the demands of his job, social obligations, or the importance of fulfilling personal needs as an excuse for not having the time to spend on the work of productive, essential advocacy and child care. This dad will wrestle with the child, play legos for awhile, read a book for fun etc. He will listen to his wife recount the results of an IEP meeting at their child’s school, but complain if she talks too long about what occurred. His attention span is limited in the areas that relate to the more complicated, emotionally draining aspects of dealing with their child’s autism and the work involved in advocating and direct involvement with the child.
The “in denial” father offers little help to the mother or child. They disagree with the diagnosis and will refuse to support or participate in services and interventions. Denial is a defense mechanism that blocks the experience of feeling pain, sadness or fear. Denial causes a breakdown in the emotional connectedness between the parents. These relationships are wrought with conflict and often end in divorce.
When any of these patterns of fathering exist in the family, professional help is indicated. Fathers need to understand how their emotions and attitudes impair their involvement in parenting and advocacy. Mothers need to understand their part, if any exists, in their husbands locking into a role which overburdens her with more of the parenting/ advocacy responsibilities. Fathers must realize that with more competence, intimacy and involvement they experience with their a child’s needs comes a closer connection, a better outcome for the child, a stronger relationship with their wife, and a increas in self-esteem and self-respect.
There is a wide range of differences or impairments that children with autism experience. These children require the investment of time to research, receive training and time spent to get to know their child as an individual, not as a label or diagnosis. For most parents, the time involved and the emotional challenges involved in caring for an autistic child are difficult, but are worth the effort. Ultimately, the experience of helping and loving an autistic child is more similar than different from loving a neurotypical child.
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