The differences in how couples communicate about, manage, and feel about money can irreparably damage a relationship. Money represents different things to people. It can define one’s self-worth and sense of success. It also can symbolize power, control, security, attractiveness or freedom. The conditions surrounding finances in our families influences how we feel about and manage money when we become adults. Parents send messages about the importance of money and what our financial priorities should be. Understanding our feelings and values about money is an important aspect of finding the right direction to take in our careers or choosing a partner.
Additionally, the messages we received from our parents related to gender norms and expectations around money influence our relationships both in dating and in committed relationships. Many women are raised to expect not to have to work or earn a lot of money because it is assumed they plan to have children and take on the bulk of the day to day responsibilities. Men are raised with the pressure of being able to support an entire family. This is one of many topics where communication is essential if both parties are going to understand each others expectations, financial goals, and perspectives on earning and managing money.
Dating and Money
Marriage and Money
Honest communication between husbands and wives about money is crucial to the preservation of trust and feelings of security. Telling your spouse about your values, priorities, fears, goals about money enhances better teamwork in managing money. Two people from different families can have divergent feelings and behaviors regarding money. Some people want to spend their money on items or experiences they value as important to their happiness. Others are fearful about spending and running out of money and value saving over self- indulgence. Individuals who are motivated by long-term goals are better able to delay buying things because working towards their goals makes them feel happier then spending. Some people are comfortable with debt and others believe debting is irresponsible and can’t enjoy purchases on credit. Some people spend the money they have and live life for the present without concern about the future. Others can’t be happy if they are not growing their saving accounts. These individual differences can cause serious conflict in a marriage because they can create judgment, fear and financial failures. Such differences can also set off patterns of lying, withholding, and retaliation.
Communicating about money prior to getting married is vital. Extreme differences about how money is valued and managed will damage the stability, connection, and trust between partners. Overspending can lead to shame, secrecy and financial disaster. Hoarding money can restrict the development of shared, connection- enhancing experiences. Breaking commitments about what each partner agrees to be financially responsible for destroys respect and creates feelings of betrayal. If financial mistakes are made that results in damage to a partner or a family, apologies and restitution must occur. If controlling, restrictive patterns result in emotional harm to a partner, amends and considerate adjustments must be made.
Doing an inventory about personal patterns related to spending, debiting, and saving is an excellent place to start accessing your relationship with money. Next, understand what you value, what you need to be happy, and what makes you feel positive about yourself and assess how money plays a part in attaining these emotional states. If you’re dating someone, be honest about your relationship with money and ask for the same level of disclosure from the other person. Differences can be negotiated, and our patterns, if problematic, can be improved. However, certain aspects of how we feel about and deal with money are not changeable if they are part of our core beliefs or needs.
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