In relationships, no situation and no one person is perfect. This means we all ‘settle’ for less than our ideal fantasy of a person and circumstance. ‘Settling’ does not mean sacrificing our primary wants and needs. What it does mean is letting go of getting everything on your ‘checklist’ and realizing you don’t need everything to be happy.
Single people fear the dreaded word “settling” when they get into a committed relationship. Settling can sound like a fate filled with permanent regret, unhappiness, or resentment. It is interpreted as failing to find the right person to be with or becoming emotionally desperate. If it is true that no situation or person is perfect, then everyone who gets into a committed relationship “settles.” The core issue in deciding to make a long-term commitment to an imperfect partner is to intimately and accurately identify your emotional, physical, intellectual, and situational wants and needs.
Single people develop a checklist of “must haves” towards people they consider getting seriously involved with. The most common “must haves” that singles seek are:
- Physical attraction/ Sexual satisfaction
- Sense of humor
- Intelligence
- Emotionally open
- Shared interests
- Good communication/stimulating banter
- Secure/ confident
- Socially active/positive friend group
- Successful career
- Independent financially
- Good family background
- Healthy lifestyle
- Generous
- Assertive
The traits on this list are understandably preferred when in search of a potential partner. However, some expectations qualify more as a want, than a need. A want “is something we desire and feel if attained will bring us more pleasure and happiness. It is not essential, but rather it is desired. A ” need” is essential, something not negotiable and without it we will feel incomplete, dissatisfied, unhappy, and unable to commit. Getting wants confused with needs creates conflict in being able to move forward into a deeper commitment to a person. It is challenging to determine if what we think we need is actually a necessity or simply a want. A “need” screams out ” I must have it.” A want is something ” I wish to have.” Single people seek to find someone who possesses everything on their checklist. However, learning why certain traits are believed to be essential for our happiness often reveals those beliefs can be challenged and changed.
Questioning why we believe a certain trait is a need is essential in discovering whether that trait is truly a necessary component in achieving romantic fulfillment. Hanging on to “getting it all” is based on familial or social expectations, rigid thinking, shame, low self-esteem or a lack of accurate self- awareness. Some people believe, for example, that if shared interests, similar politics, or communication styles are not exactly aligned, than a happy, long term relationship is not possible. It is true, for some people differences in those areas could be deal breakers if respect for, enjoyment with, or emotional connection to that person cannot occur because of those differences. However, even big differences do not necessarily predict couples cannot experience love, mutual respect, emotional connection, enjoyment and compatibility with each other. A desire and readiness for intimacy and commitment can result in an openness and tolerance for differences that do not necessarily predict the kind of “settling” that will cause future failure or severe regret in a long-term commitment.
Setting aside the relationship partner checklist can help tap into real-time feelings experienced when spending time with someone. The focus on the list can cause doubts that block the full potential for enjoyment, fulfillment, and the development of a deep connection. However, if an actual dealbreaker exists, it is a mistake to deny feelings of concern about the issue and “settle.” It takes maturity and courage to end a relationship that fulfills many of your needs and wants but disappoints in a significant area that is essential for your happiness. The journey of self-discovery sometimes includes professional counseling but not always. With curiosity, commitment, honesty, and self-acceptance our true selves and needs will be revealed.
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