Are You A Good Friend Or Do You Unconsciously Use People To Get Your Needs Met? Without Malicious Intent, Many People Call Themselves A Good Friend While Their Friends Needs Are Ignored And Feelings Are Hurt.
The first thing to consider before trying to establish a friendship is how you are feeling about yourself and your life. Being needy, too busy, self- absorbed, struggling with addiction or enmeshed in a problematic relationship are not traits conducive to being a good friend to someone. A friendship is a relationship where a balanced desire exists to be involved in each others lives. An interest to engage with each other to share thoughts, feelings, and experiences are hallmark traits of a healthy friendship. Friends feel connected and trust each other when there is consistency in contact and continuity in the level of intimacy they share. Being honest, even when it might create conflict, is essential in a friendship. Dishonesty or withholding information can weaken trust and intimacy.
Communicating honestly about feelings that relate to the friendship is essential. Like in any relationship, conflict is inevitable between friends. Nobody is perfect and even close friends, despite the best intentions, can hurt or disappoint each other. The challenge is how to constructively communicate when negative emotions become elevated. When we are angry, our instinct is to think in the worst terms, writing negative stories that makes us the victim of a friends perceived betrayal or selfisness. The closer the friendship, the more sensitive and reactive we can become. Expectations we have of our friends can vary from realistic to excessive. No matter how much a friend might love us, they aren’t mind readers as to how we feel or what we want or need at all times. It is a set-up for conflict to occur if we fail to communicate what is going on inside of us and what we want from a friend.
A common problem in friendships that leads to breakdowns in trust and causes hurt feelings is inconsistent availability to spend time together. Frequent connecting, being updated on each other’s lives, and sharing experiences help to stabilize friendships. Friends need to feel important to each other, so pursuing contact and spending time together is reassuring. On this issue, communication has to be frequent, honest, and detailed. It helps to establish boundaries and develop realistic expectations of each other’s time availability. Career, family, school, romantic relationships, hobbies, and personal restorative time compete with having time for our friendships. Finding the balance between taking care of ourselves and meeting the needs of a friend is challenging; however, honest, frequent communication makes it possible.
There is a time when putting ourselves first should be the priority. However, staying deeply connected to a friend requires being flexible and willing to accommodate them because you want them to know the friendship is about both of you, equally. In a healthy friendship, giving and receiving time, emotion, and loyalty must happen equally and fairly. If you know your friend needs a call, make the call. If they need to resolve an issue between you more than you do, make yourself available. If people feel ignored or dismissed in their friendships, the relationship is at risk of failing. Friendships are more than worth the effort they take. It
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