Becoming friends with an ex-lover is possible for some, but not for all couples. Deciding how much time is needed to heal from a break-up, what the benefits are to creating a friendship, and assessing the possible downsides are important issues to consider.
If a relationship starts out as a friendship before becoming romantic, the transition back to friendship is more plausible. As long as the relationship was not abusive or disrespectful and the break-up was mutual or well-communicated, people usually attempt to salvage a friendship out of a relationship where meaningful experiences and attachments developed. By allowing for the possibility of staying friends, the level of trauma and grief that results from ending a relationship can be mitigated. The friendship allows for what was good about the relationship to continue.
However, if a relationship was abusive or if actual or perceived betrayals occurred , it makes little sense to try to salvage a friendship. Deep hurts and loss of trust are contrary to what constitutes a friendship. If both people believe the potential for detrimental consequences is probable if a friendship is not achieved, it makes sense to try. If finances or property is co-mingled or if children are involved, establishing a friendship is a worthwhile endeavor. Challenges like making amends, rebuilding trust and practicing open honest communication is part of this process.
If one or both partners continue to have romantic feelings for each other, trying to be friends can be frustrating, confusing, and lead to conflict. In this case, letting time pass is a crucial step in the process of allowing sexual chemistry to fade. Meeting new people and developing sexual chemistry with them increases the possibility of establishing a friends-only relationship with an ex-lover. If your relationship ends due to logistical reasons, such as geographic differences, financial barriers, or connections and commitments to others, the romantic connection can remain intact. However, developing positive feelings of friendship is improbable if a breakup occurs because of obstacles that one partner felt were impossible to overcome and the other saw them as possible. A partner who wants the relationship to continue will feel hurt and resentful if obstacles that could have been resolved are used as excuses to end the relationship. A friendship is impossible to establish when a partner feels the love they shared wasn’t enough to fight to save.
It takes time to fall out of love. Rushing into a friendship without allowing time to heal will work against seeing a former lover as a friend. Both people must accept that some aspects of their relationship have died. A love relationship that embodies respect, love, and a genuine caring attachment has a chance to transition to a friendship when the timing is suitable for both people. Behavioral and communication boundaries also must be established. Some exes are open to discuss their current relationships with each other, yet others might feel too uncomfortable or hurt to engage in those conversations. No one approach works. An obvious deal-breaker would be if making a friend of an ex-lover interferes with moving forward intimately with other people. In that case, a total break from your ex may be necessary. The more communication about what went wrong and how each partner is feeling and coping is the kindest, most therapeutic way to say good-bye to what was and hello to a different, worthwhile, continued connection, that is if you truly no longer feel like sweethearts.
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