Breaking up a relationship that is destined to fail can raise self-esteem, clarify authentic goals, and promote personal growth. A break-up can create lasting emotional growth and personal insight. The strength to let go makes it possible to discover the truth about what you want and what you don’t want.
The first line of the classic book ” The Road Less Travelled” by Dr. Scott Peck is ” Life Is Difficult.” Peck says once a person accepts that fact, they are freed to make decisions that steer them in the direction of self-actualization and happiness. When we consistently choose the easy road over the hard road to address problems or conflicts, our resilience to deal with emotionally challenging situations is weakened. Most therapists agree that the majority of emergency phone calls they receive from clients in between sessions involve panic over distraught feelings in reaction to the end of a relationship.
Once you become attached to someone, (whether that attachment is healthy or not), it is emotionally difficult to let go. Facing loss is hard. Experiencing change is hard. Starting over is hard. It is a common human reaction to avoid pain when we have the choice. However, the long-term negative results of staying in a relationship that isn’ t healthy is much more damaging than the shorter- term pain of saying good-bye to someone. The common reasons for staying too long in a relationship that is destined to end are 1) low self- esteem, 2) fear of being alone, 3) protecting the other person’s feelings, 4) feeling like a failure, 5) generalized anxiety 6) not wanting to start over with someone new, and 7) denial.
It takes emotional strength to end a relationship. Feeling strong enough to take the right action in a difficult situation reinforces self-esteem. It says you are confident and worthy of a relationship that better meets your needs and goals. Confidence in your ability to use good judgment and accurately analyze the feelings, facts, and problems in a relationship strengthens the ego and builds self-worth. Being emotionally conscious in a relationship facilitates rational decision-making. Being numb to your feelings limits insight and leads to staying stuck.
Shared goals influence the strength, compatability, and fulfillment in a relationship. People often realize they need to end a relationship when the goals of their partner differs from theirs. Goals that define our values or fulfill our vision for self-actualization are essential for long- term relationship satisfaction. Significant differences in goals related to family, finances, social engagement, levels of intimacy and commitment are valid reasons to break-up.
Feeling resentful, hurt, lonely, or dissatisfied are feelings that generate self-analysis about who we are, what we need to be happy and what makes up unhappy. We grow emotionally when we get honest with ourselves about our personal truths and can communicate them effectively and honestly to a partner. For many, the hardest part about breaking up is being unsure if it’s the right step to take. Bargaining with the reasons we are deciding to break up creates confusion and often results in cycling back to denial and avoidance. Because of these emotional gymnastics, ending a serious relationship is a difficult step to take. People often change their minds about ending a relationship until they reach an emotional bottom.
Communicating about problems and trying to find solutions is a crucial component of saving a relationship. However, when efforts fail to break negative patterns, the outlook for relationship survival diminishes. Self-esteem and self-worth increase when you end a relationship you know isn’t suitable for you in the long run. Some breakups result in clarity about the possibility for the relationship to improve. Sometimes, the clarity confirms breaking up is the right step to take. With time, the pain of a breakup will subside, and new connections will be possible when you are ready and able to apply what you have learned from the relationship that ended. Being lonely or hungry for an attachment does not mean you are prepared to start a new relationship. Getting through the grieving process is essential. Analyzing personal patterns that cause attaching to incompatible or unavailable people should be a significant goal post-break-up.
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