Financial betrayals may be more difficult for married couples to recover from than sexual betrayals.
How or “if” someone recovers from any kind of betrayal depends a lot on one’s personality, prior experience with trauma, abandonment, or abuse, level of their self-esteem, and how much in love and happy they were with their partner before the betrayal. Also related to the progress of the recovery process is how excessive the damage is to the financial and emotional status of the couple .
Many people say they will leave their marriage if a sexual infidelity occurs, whether it is a prolonged affair or a one-night stand. The hurt, embarrassment, anger, and loss of trust that is felt after a sexual betrayal is intense and initially feels impossible to recover from. However, most couples choose to try to understand why it happened and are open to being guided through the process of grieving, regaining their self-esteem, finding forgiveness, trusting again and recovering the love they once had. Love, family and financial concerns motivate people to work through sexual betrayals.
But for many people, financial betrayals are more shocking than infidelities because unlike the conscious fear of the possibility of an affair happening, financial betrayals are less likely to be subconsciously thought of as a possibility. Small betrayals like using your spouse’s credit card without telling them is wrong, but apologies and the commitment to not do it again can facilitate forgiveness and the rebuilding of trust. However, financial dishonesty, whether the dollar amount involved is small or large creates conflict between partners.
If the financial betrayal is substantial, forgiveness and rebuilding trust is harder to achieve. Examples of devastating financial betrayals are;
• Secretly maxing out credit cards
• Not paying the mortgage and going into foreclosure
• Hiding money from your partner
• Depleting an entire life-savings account allocated for college or retirement
• Routinely paying bills late and ruining your partner’s credit score
These financial betrayals create fear, shock, anger, hurt, resentment and a loss of respect for the partner. The person who was lied to now sees their spouse as incompetent, selfish, weak, addictive, and disloyal. Despite the explanations that follow when the truth comes out, great damage is done to the foundation of the couples connection. Different than a sexual betrayal where a common defense mechanism might be to think “I will find someone better to be with”, the massive loss of financial stability feels like an unrecoverable loss that touches every part of a person’s present and future life. Trying to cope often leads one to feel either emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally shut down. If a person loses their home, retirement fund, credit rating, cashflow, or marital bond, the survival of the relationship can become impossible.
Most couples will need both psychological and financial counseling to begin the recovery process. When recovery seems unlikely because of the enormity of the financial event and the intensity of the emotional damage, the marriage can be irreconcilable. Some people may stay together for logistical or financial reasons, however, the recovery of trust, friendship, and attraction is often unlikely. It is possible for couples to recover, especially if 1) an apology is sincere, 2) the explanation for the financial misstep is understandable, 3) the commitment to get help is promised, and 4) the partner who messed up expresses a sympathetic level of pain, shame, and remorse.
Trying to forgive and re-discover the love, friendship, and attraction that existed before the financial betrayal is worth the effort. The road back can take a long time. It is also possible that the relationship is over and both people must face moving forward without each other, but with renewed hope for finding the happiness they both deserve.
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