What causes people to lie? Is it a character flaw, a fear-based attempt to control, or low self-esteem? Can a liar change? The most common reason people lie is to protect themselves from embarrassment, rejection, or punishment. Most people who lie do not intend to damage others. Most people feel guilty about lying but are too anxious, to be honest, because they fear the potential consequences of telling the truth. Lying can become the coping mechanism for navigating through the complexities and challenges of a relationship. It can also become a habit that blurs insight into what the truth is or the value and ethics of truthfulness. Relying on dishonesty to manage issues like low self-esteem or fear of rejection can become a habit and impede progress in resolving underlying psychological issues.
The most common types of lies are;
• “White lies”- inconsequential lies without a substantial reason
• Self-preservation lies- aimed to mitigate challenges to self esteem
• Criminal lies- lies that break the law
• Malicious lies- lies intended to hurt, seek revenge, frighten, or control someone
• Fear of intimacy lies- Lies that unintentionally reduce intimacy by blocking vulnerability and creating false perceptions
Low self- esteem causes people to tell insecurity-based lies to avoid feeling hurt or shame. For example, some people lie about their age on dating apps because they believe telling the truth will work against being seen as desirable. They convince themselves being younger is more attractive to justify not telling the truth. However, fears and insecurities do not justify lying. Positive relationships are built on honesty. Lying about yourself to manipulate someone’s perceptions of you is disrespectful to that person and doesn’t alleviate underlying feelings of insecurity.
People who lie compulsively without regard for the detrimental impact on others either suffer from character flaws or other serious psychological problems. They feel justified to lie because they believe the benefit to them is more important than being honest with others. They don’t consider or care about the negative impact of their lies on others. This pathological pattern of lying can be caused as a result of early-in-life trauma, poor modeling by parents, or serious psychological orders such as narcissism or anti-social personality disorder. Luckily, these severe, selfish, deceitful behavior patterns are uncommon.
Healthy relationships depend on honesty. Establishing privacy and personal boundaries is healthy. Blatantly lying is unhealthy behavior that sabotages a relationship and eventually causes guilt. Lying also becomes stressful because dodging the truth becomes a difficult but necessary strategy to block the truth from being exposed. Having positive self-esteem is the foundation of being capable of telling the truth because it lessens dependence on what others think of us. It also will reduce the development of other dysfunctional patterns of lying that lead to serious detrimental consequences. Additionally, simply committing to not lie in and of itself will raise self-esteem. A liar can become a truth-teller if they want to change.
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