Knowing How And When To Be Selfish Is Important For Maintaining Self Esteem. Being Unselfish Strengthens Intimate Bonds. Healthy Selfishness Is Self-Affirming. Unhealthy Selfishness Involves Self-Obsession And The Neglect Of Others. Selfishness involves being exclusively or excessively concerned for oneself and one’s own pleasure, needs, and wants. Selfish people are consumed with themselves and therefore lack the capacity for empathy and the consideration of others. Dysfunctional selfishness can involve severe pathology such as narcissism or anti-social personality or other factors such as immaturity, childhood neglect, abuse, or insecurities. However, it is important to determine when prioritizing oneself is based on self-care vs a lack of caring for others. Self-care demonstrates care for oneself, selfishness shows a lack of care for others.
Self-exploration is a vital component for developing healthy selfishness. Accurate insights lead to personal fulfillment, happiness, and effective decision-making. Investing time and attention into ourselves communicates that we believe we are important and worthy. Additionally, insightful self-discovery helps identify the proper boundaries that balance caring for ourselves and tending to others. Self- prioritization does not equal selfishness. In fact, excessive ignoring of the self will lead to resentment, the lack of accomplishing of personal goals, and depression. The concern about being seen as selfish can block healthy advocacy for one’s own needs.
The selfish person has a blind spot about when self-sacrifice is the right choice to make. They view being selfish as strong, self-affirming, assertive behavior. If confronted by others about their rigidity or stinginess, they are unable to understand any reason for denying any source of their own pleasure. They cannot appropriately shift between self-affirmation and attention to the needs of others. When confronted with their self-absorption, the selfish person is masterful at creating excuses. The three reasons that are most commonly used are:
“I’m too busy”
“I have my own problems to deal with”
“You’re too needy.”
These excuses are indicators of a conscious decision to find ways to avoid involvement with people whose needs or circumstances require time, emotion or sacrifice. Selfish people possess strong narcissistic traits and perceive anything not directly related to their interests as insignificant, burdensome situations to avoid. Family members, friends, and romantic partners of egotistical types regularly experience hurt, anger, and feelings of abandonment. The insult of hearing about work or social schedules to explain being emotionally or physically unavailable is painful.
Unselfish people make time for people they care about or those who truly need them. Even while experiencing illness, unselfish people find the capacity to give and sacrifice time and energy to show love and concern for others. Proper boundaries allow for us to give and help even during challenging times. An excessively offensive move is when the label “you’re a needy person” is placed on someone who is simply trying to get a reasonable need met. Egoists make others feel shame and rejection.
If rooted in a history of severe abuse or a clinically flawed character, selfishness is challenging to change, even with professional treatment. However, if lack of life experience or immaturity explains one’s selfish behavior, there is hope. Open, honest confrontation can help a self-absorbed person understand the negative impact of their behavior. Additionally, sharing feelings will humanize each person and create the possibility of genuine, mutual caring and giving.
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