The secret many married couples have is that they have stopped having sex. Some of the reasons are based on unhealthy relationship dynamics, breaks in trust, poor communication, loss of chemistry, stress, unresolved personal problems, or health issues. Most people assume married couples have sexual relations regularly. Married couples think they should be having sex with each other regularly. However, something blatant or subtle happens in many marriages, which causes sex to disappear. Whatever is happening or not happening regarding physical intimacy, it is a topic that should be talked about. Many factors contribute to the fading out of sex in marriages. For example, introducing children into a relationship can throw some couples into chaos and estrangement from each other. A more subtle contributing factor is when couples marry who always had a minimal level of physical chemistry. Many of these couples never develop a strong physical attraction and sexual intimacy eventually stops.
If the reason for the lack of sex is caused by a medical problem, couples are usually understanding and can stay connected and hopeful that sex will resume between them when the condition is treated and physical issues are remedied. When the issue doesn’t involve illness, finding a solution becomes a more complex process.
Fear of being blamed or judged is common when sex stops; therefore, talking about it tends to be avoided, not confronted. Discussing why physical relations stopped or trying to resume a sexual relationship is complicated. Couples who initially had strong sexual chemistry are often shocked when their attraction fades. However, many couples will stay together despite diminishing chemistry and the absence of sex. The possibility of ending a marriage produces anxiety, and the uncertainty about the aftermath of a break-up keeps people in the hope that their problems will resolve or attraction to each other will return.
As individuals we grow and change physically and emotionally over time and these personal shifts can result in a change in the emotional, physical, and intellectual connection to a spouse. Our relationship to our own sexuality can also change. In some cases, a friendship based on family, familiarity, and shared history will be sufficient reasons to stay together. However, couples who no longer have sex report they feel sad, resentful, lonely, or frustrated about the situation. Having these feelings can indicate an interest and openness to reconnect sexually with a partner, however it can also simply signal the desire to reconnect to one’s own personal sexuality, unrelated to your partner.
There is no therapeutic method that guarantees sexual chemistry can be revived. However, trying to understand what caused the disconnect increases the possibility of re-igniting a physical connection. To the contrary, an exploration of the problem might reveal there is no interest or openness to returning to a sexual relationship. If the problems over the years have caused too much hurt to overcome or damaged trust beyond repair the opening to sexual recovery may be closed. Becoming more knowledgeable about the conditions that led to the end of sexual intimacy is a vital part of the process of either reconnecting or facilitating a civil, non-blaming end of the relationship.
Issues that contribute to the breakdown of sexual intimacy in a marriage:
Unhealthy relationship dynamics- Patterns of control, competitiveness, judgment, abuse and under-stimulation, cause resentment, fear, and loss of trust which interrupts the willingness or interest to fulfill a partners sexual needs. If the way a couple engages falls into any of these negative patterns, sexual intimacy will suffer. Sexual intimacy flourishes in an openly communicative, respectful, secure environment. Distressed couples are on guard, protecting themselves by creating emotional and physical distance.
Breaks in Trust- Betrayals in any area of a relationship puts a couple’s sexual intimacy at risk. The most damaging of all breaks in trust is the extra-marital affair. The partner who is cheated on feels angry, rejected, inadequate, and mistrusting. Sexual appetite is diminished in this emotional state of pain. Additionally, engaging in any behavior that gives pleasure to a partner who cheated becomes objectionable. Other breaks in trust such as financial betrayals, frequent dishonesty, or emotional withholding can destroy the security needed to allow oneself to be vulnerable and connect to their sexual feelings.
Poor communication- Constant fighting without resolution, poor listening skills, interrupting each other, joking to avoid emotional vulnerability, and being critical causes an emotional disconnect which leads to a physical disconnect. Critical exchanges create hurt and shame and make wanting to be close and please each other on any level an impossibility. Poor listening limits the learning of useful insights into a partner’s emotions, behaviors, and needs. Conversations where both partners disclose information and listen to each other must occur for reconnection in any area of the relationship to occur.
A typical communication problem is insufficient sharing about what you need and want from your partner. It is detrimental to not share about behaviors and words that push you away and shut down your attraction and sense of safety within the relationship. Not getting needs met or getting treated in hurtful or disappointing ways causes resentments and a break- down of the desire to be emotionally and sexually close. A major mistake is hearing what your partner needs or wants and dismissing it, judging it, minimizing it or refusing to try to meet their doable requests.
Loss of Chemistry- Unfulfilling sexual experiences within a relationship can contribute to a loss of chemistry. Open, honest communication about sexual complaints, if presented kindly, will create emotional intimacy which encourages resuming a more frequent pattern of having sex. Additionally, physical changes due to aging, stress and illness can challenge the sexual drive between partners. Being proactive to address symptoms as a result of those issues is the responsibility of anyone in a committed relationship.
Growing apart due to changes in interests and outlook on life also factors into the loss of an intimate connection. These changes can become an acceptable part of a couples dynamic, or they can tear them part. Talking openly, with respect, about emerging differences can help maintain a positive connection. Recovering lost chemistry is challenging and frustrating. The longer couples remain non-sexual, the more awkward and discouraging the situation becomes. However, for example forgiving a partner for a betrayal can bring back attraction, and talking openly about feelings, wants and needs can create an emotional bond that renews an attraction that has been numbed by conflic.t.
Unresolved personal issues- Low self-esteem, depression, career problems, or unmanaged stress lowers libido. Sexual responsiveness is quelled by chemical shifts resulting from stress and depression. The longer these issues persist, the greater chance sexual activity will cease. These personal emotional challenges become obstacles to being physically and emotionally connected and sexually active with your spouse. A willingness to seek help to resolve these issues can resolve sexual abstinence in a marriage.
Not being communicative intensifies the physical estrangement. Prolonged periods of no sex can transform a once romantic relationship into a best friend type of marriage or a bitter battleground of resentment and loneliness. A couple has to unite behind the commitment to resume having sex because the road back to physical intimacy is complex. Professional relationship counseling or sex therapy may be needed to help couples navigate their way back to each other.
The frustration and loneliness of a sexless marriage leads some people to seek an emotional or physical affair. These experiences can have a positive or negative affect on a marriage. The negatives are obvious. Rebuilding a connection after a break in trust is a painful and difficult task for couples. There is also the risk of developing deep feelings and attachments to a new person. Comparisons between the personal traits of a different partner and the relationship dynamics of your spouse can make reconciliation less likely. Ultimately, the partner whose spouse has cheated may never be able to forgive the betrayal of fidelity. However, the positive outcome of an affair can be the realization by the person who strayed that they love and care for their spouse and the life they share. They may also experience epiphanies about their past behaviors, insights to their needs and become energized to improve themselves and to heal their relationship.
When serious attempts are made to re-ignite romance in a marriage, sex can make a re-appearance. However, if recovering sexual intimacy is not an equally shared goal between both partners, a decision must be made about whether a non-sexual, friendship marriage is acceptable. If one partner wants or needs more intimacy and experiences unhappiness and resentment without it, divorce becomes more probable. If both partners feel optimistic that their relationship outweighs what is missing, the relationship can survive. It is important not to ascribe blame to the absence of sex in a marriage. If a sexual connection is not recoverable, each person must try to accept it and when healed, pursue the kind of relationship that will fulfill their needs. The best friend marriage may not include having sex, however, it can consist of affection, enjoyment, a sense of comfort, and some level of physical love.
When people marry, they intend the marriage to last until the end of their lives. However, statistics show 50-60% of marriages end. A marriage is worth trying to save, but if a marriage no longer works, it becomes merely a legal document that stifles the potential for both people to find the happiness they deserve. With a shared commitment to work on intimacy, sex can be recovered. If neither person sees the lack of sex as a deal breaker, a relationship can still happily survive.
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