It’s human nature to want acceptance and validation from the people we want to be attracted to us. The thought of being criticized or falling short of someone’s expectations can cause intense feelings of insecurity and anxiety. This is especially true in the process of dating. The stronger the desire to connect with someone, the more frightening it becomes to face the reality of possible rejection. Self-esteem plays a vital role in being able to manage the discomfort that accompanies rejection. How we view ourselves and how we think others view us influences how likely we cope with rejection. The process of dating can cause negative feelings about ourselves because of how important it is to be accepted.
Dating triggers challenges in maintaining a positive self-esteem because we cannot predict or control outcomes. However, if one’s self-esteem is healthy, rejection is disappointing, but not devastating. When self-esteem is low, dating can be a traumatic experience which is why so many single people dread doing it . It is a process that at times results in people who we want to continue to date decide not to choose to see us again. When rejection is personalized, we tend to think, “if that person didn’t like me, then no one else will want me.” This form of distorted thinking and personalization creates an intense fear of rejection and shame. This fear causes extreme levels of anxiety that lead to self-sabotaging patterns of behavior such as negative projecting, being emotionally distant, aggression, or people-pleasing. All of these patterns block one’s ability to be authentic with others and to be comfortable with ourselves. A healthy person will sense when someone is trying too hard to please and will suspect lying, insecurity, or low self-esteem. Behaviors exclusively aimed to please will often create the dreaded, feared rejection because being overly selfless does not project self-esteem, is burdensome to deal with and unattractive.
Whether the original damage to self-esteem comes from abuse, neglect, a physical impairment, poor peer relations, etc., low self-esteem can cause one to believe they are flawed, unlovable, and destined to be rejected. Negative mind-reading results from having low self-esteem. When we believe another person is thinking critically of us, anxious feelings about rejection intensifies. The belief that if we know what the other person wants, expects, or doesn’t like about us, we can diminish the chance of being rejected is wishful, magical thinking. By thinking this way, our wants and needs get minimized. Another problem with mind reading is that it is often not accurate. Dating behavior that aims to please and control outcomes over being authentic, makes developing a healthy, intimate connection unlikely.
Resolving the issue of emotional insecurity is essential in creating positive outcomes in dating. This means conducting an honest self-examination, not only related to relationship functioning, but in all areas of your life. Self-awareness leads to making the kind of changes in ourselves that can improve dating experiences and outcomes. It is also important to understand the varied opportunities that dating presents. It is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, to explore interests and gain experiences, and to develop skills in how to communicate with, get close to, and learn about another person. It is an opportunity to learn about what you want and need as a person, and how to set healthy boundaries. Dating also creates the opportunity to better understand your attachment style and discover potential issues with commitment and intimacy.
There is no guarantee that having strong self-esteem, good character, and strong communication skills predicts all of your dating experiences will be positive or lead to the relationship you want to find. However, if you know and like who you are dating can be a fun, enlightening experience on the road to self-actualization and a lasting relationship.
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