Psychotherapy that encourages ‘me, myself, and I’ thinking is considered bad therapy. Many clients interpret seeking the fulfillment of personal goals and happiness to mean it’s acceptable to disregard the effect it will have on others. We are all part of a system.
Psychotherapy is a self-focused process. Exploring feelings, wants, needs, past traumas, and goals is essential to that process. However, being self-focused does not have to mean acting indifferent to the feelings of others. Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy selfishness will allow therapeutic growth and self-fulfillment to coincide with compassion, compromise, and sometimes even sacrifice.
Some of the decisions we make in therapy will unintentionally hurt or disappoint others. However, an aspect of substandard treatment is “either-or-thinking,” which restricts seeing alternative ways of meeting our needs that include considering the impact that our decisions will have on others. When we see the possibility of more than two options to meet the goals of personal fulfillment and symptom relief, the damage to others is significantly reduced.
Unhealthy selfishness is egotistical. It is cold, self-absorbed, immature, dismissive, and cruel. Self-centeredness can develop from early trauma or abuse, immaturity, intimacy deficits, or character flaws. We are all selfish at times. Being ” of the self” is not necessarily negative. Self-advocacy is a crucial part of building and maintaining self-esteem, self-respect, and self-fulfillment. However, it’s the pattern of chronic selfishness that is dysfunctional and damaging to others. Healthy selfishness is caring about and attending to our feelings and goals while considering how our actions will affect others. With honorable intentions, better solutions can be found to minimize negative consequences to others. Examples of “Me, myself, and I” decisions are:
*A father in a divorce situation selfishly forcing the sale of a family home to the detriment of his small or disabled children because he wants money.
*Breaking up a relationship and refusing to explain the reasons to your partner
* Secretly spending money that will negatively affect others
* Having an affair and, as a result, acting more distant from your partner
* Refusing to discuss specific topics that are important to another person because it makes you uncomfortable.
* Being inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
* Withholding crucial information that should be disclosed
Therapy aims to help us understand ourselves on a deep level. Learning the root cause of problematic symptoms, having access to feelings and expressing them, and changing undesirable behavior patterns are therapy goals. When we can analyze, understand, feel, and change, personal growth happens. Acting reasonably and communicating openly and truthfully during the change process results in an “I matter, others matter” form of therapy. Being empathic towards others does not mean suspending your goals or denying your needs. Flexible, honest, and caring self-promotion can coincide with limiting damage to others.
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