When communication breaks down, so does trust. When someone you’ve been close to shuts down or completely breaks off communication, it is tempting to decide you no longer care about them and that they are unworthy of your trust and love. Then, unexpectedly, they will do or say something that opens you up to re-engage and remember why you cared so much in the first place. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Open, consistent communication during both good and difficult times keeps trust in place. When communication stops by disappearing from contact or ” ghosting” on social media, trust disappears. Things happen in life that influence our behaviors and emotions in ways that diminish our ability to keep our promises and be consistent in how we engage in our close relationships. Over time, we build expectations of those we love and who have become a consistent part of our romantic, physical, or emotional lives. When realistic expectations are no longer met, the instinct to defend and protect ourselves dominates how we see, think, and feel about those we love. At this point in a relationship, trust is damaged and disconnecting becomes a dominant coping mechanism.
In the disconnecting process, anger supercedes hurt. Negative scenarios and narratives pervade our thinking about the person and the relationship. These negatives justify our instinct to withdraw. This is a defense mechanism aimed at blocking pain and eliminating vulnerability. If communication between people becomes negative or gets completely cut off, the person who has lost trust becomes doubtful about whether they were ever loved, respected, or important enough to be shown the consideration and attention they deserve. This is the time when a gesture to clarify feelings and intentions are hugely helpful in re-establishing a connection.
The vilification of a partner who you loved and trusted is painful. However, if there was a closeness and love that felt real, doubt about whether these negative presumptions are true seep into our internal dialogue. The truth is when you have a strong connection to someone in a relationship that was predominantly positive, the desire to dispel negative thoughts is strong. The urge to believe you have been intentionally or selfishly wronged by your partner competes with the stronger urge to believe that whatever their negative behaviors were, they do not negate that you still matter to them. The consideration to trust someone after they have disappointed or hurt you only makes sense if an action or communication occurs that clarifies what went wrong and reinforces that feelings of love and concern still exist. By expressing feelings, apologizing, and offering a plan that makes trusting again make sense, reconnection becomes possible.
There are many types of betrayals that damage trust. Affairs are hugely damaging to trust in a relationship. However, the majority of couples who have had a mature, respectful relationship recover trust by honestly communicating with each other. The passing of time and consistent communication contributes to recovering trust and connection in marriages, families, friendships, and romantic partnerships. Whether you’re conflicted about not seeing your lover anymore or upset with a difficult family member, cutting them off from all communication with you should not be an option. Whether you write a letter, send an email, or have to buy a secret burner phone to sneak a call to them because of privacy issues, that contact needs to happen for trust to be recovered.
When communication turns negative or gets cut off due to complicated obstacles or avoidance behavior, the survival of a relationship is threatened. Time will tell if what was lost can be recovered or if some new version of the relationship is possible. However, if too much time lapses without efforts to communicate about problems and solutions, relationships can become just another memory.