Healthy trust builds over time through a series of kept promises. Trusting someone too soon is emotionally risky and is based on a desperate need to connect. Being unwilling to regain trust that has been lost can be just as self-sabotaging. Many people eager for a relationship make the mistake of deciding a person is trustworthy based on the desire they feel to connect with that person. The assumption that someone is trustworthy because you like them is naive. Inexperience and immaturity can cause an leap of faith to put your trust in someone you have recently met. It is naive to assume someone is safe to trust with your feelings and personal information until time has passed and experiences have been had.
Those who have a cautious approach to trusting see this position as negative or paranoid. In reality, staying neutral about how trustworthy someone helps with setting appropriate boundaries and contributing to a slower, more deliberate pace while getting to know someone. The drive to trust is powerful during the initial attraction phase of a relationship because the desire to connect and attach is strong. Caring about someone, enjoying their company, and noting their positive attributes do not guarantee they possess good character or healthy relationship patterns. Problematic or incompatible issues can take time to surface. However, when consistent, positive behavior and open communication occurs over time, trusting someone begins to make sense.
Regaining trust after a betrayal is more complicated than building trust with a new person. Whether the betrayal involves infidelity, financial betrayal, or other incidences involving lying or secrecy, recapturing trust takes a long time to accomplish if at all possible. When you lie to or cheat on your partner, part of the bond and the intimacy once shared is lost. The shock and hurt that betrayals cause are wounding to one’s self-esteem and damaging to the respect once felt in the relationship. Many feel it is foolish to trust someone again who has lied and betrayed you. The wronged person needs to protect their ego from additional hurt and shame. A form of cognitive protection is to decide, “once a liar and cheater, always a liar and cheater.” This black and white style of thinking temporarily simplifies the complex emotional dilemma of whether to stay and try to regain trust or leave a relationship.
However, if the person guilty of the betrayal has been a good partner and is generally a trustworthy, respectful person, it is worth trying to find forgiveness. Emotional, physical, family and financial ties make breaking up feel overwhelming and confusing and staying with someone you no longer trust is causes pain and resentments which can block the ability to re-engage. Forgiveness is difficult but is an essential component of rebuilding trust. The person who betrayed must commit to honesty, transparency, making amends, apologies, and patience. Rebuilding trust in a damaged relationship can take place with time and with the recovery of loving, reconnecting experiences. A relationship that has been satisfying and has endured over time has a good chance of healing. However, for some people regaining trust is impossible, and leaving a relationship is how the healing begins.