Feelings and beliefs that are based on fear create distance and conflict in relationships. Understanding why we are afraid to talk openly and how to overcome those fears is essential to establishing a healthy relationship.
Restricted communication in relationships is as influential on intimacy as what partnrrs express to each other. It can be anxiety-producing to tell the truth about unmet needs or feelings that could create conflict, vulnerability, or abandonment. When couples engage in therapy to resolve issues damaging to the quality of the connection to each other, it is essential to uncover what they are afraid to admit. Couples often fail to use the communication tools taught in therapy because they fear the results that can result from honest disclosure. Here is a collection of fears and attitudes that block open, honest, intimate communication:
*It is difficult for me to disclose my struggles with my partner.
*I am afraid to ask my partner what I want or need.
*I believe what my partner tells me is not true.
*I am afraid what I have to say will make my partner angry.
*I am afraid what I have to say will push my partner away.
*I am afraid what I have to say will not be taken seriously
*I am afraid I will be judged.
*I do not think my partner wants to hear my feelings.
*I am afraid of becoming overly emotional if I express myself.
*I am afraid if I honestly express myself, it will be used against me in the future.
*I am afraid my requests will be discounted and remain unmet.
*I am afraid what I have to say will cause my partner to leave me.
*I am afraid I will be less attractive to my partner if I express myself honestly.
*I am afraid my partner will argue with me about my feelings.
*I am afraid my partner will try to change how I feel or want I want.
*I am afraid my anxiety will cause me to communicate ineffectively or inappropriately.
*I am afraid talking will make things worse.
*I am afraid I will say something that will scare me or hurt me.
*I am afraid my partner will share what I say with others. *I’m afraid my partner still won’t understand me. * I’m afraid my partner will see me as needy
These fears and beliefs are rooted in issues related to self-esteem or traumatic events of betrayal or abuse in romantic or early childhood relationships. Unresolved issues in these areas causes an attraction to people who re-create familiar fears of abandonment, abuse, judgment, or control. Improving self-esteem lowers anxiety and enhances feelings of self-worth which will enable one to feel entitled to express their needs, wants and feelings. Seeking counseling can help in developing an individualized plan that will bring about the emotional and behavioral changes that make healthy relationships possible. A common deterrent from overcoming these dysfunctional communication patterns is blaming the other person for your difficulties. Taking responsibility for these feelings and behaviors is an essential part of the process of being available to participate in an emotionally intimate relationship.
Admitting these fears and beliefs can generate empathy from your partner and bring about reassurance that it is safe to be open and honest. If you are in an abusive or disconnected relationship, these commnication fears are justified. However, when someone cares about us, sharing fears will humanize us and increase intimacy, trust, and motivation to solve problems as a team.